Who are you? How did I get here?

It’s Monday. I think.

Time is an illusion.

There is only With Baby and Not With Baby.

Momentarily, I am Not With Baby.

The flood of family that followed the birth has abated. It was wonderful seeing everyone, and it is also wonderful having our house back to the latest iteration of “normal.”

While our families were here, we cooked beef. And they cooked beef. Unfortunately, I didn’t document this beef cookery for the same reason I haven’t shaved, slept regularly, or been in a room by myself for the past monthish.

So here’s a quick look at what we did. It isn’t the book, but it’s the Reader’s Digest condensed version of a text that doesn’t exist. Stay tuned for Humor In Uniform.

Pot Roast -

Somebody made it. Me? My mother in law? It was chuck.

I think it was my mother-in-law.

Ribeye, grilled quickly

I remember making this, but I don’t remember for whom or when. My camera says it was on October 12. Nice, camera. I always liked you.

Before.

Grill gets hot.

Brought meat to room temp. Salted about a half our before grilling.

Salt way in advance.

After.

Ribeye Hash

The day after I did the ribeye, I had leftover mashed potatoes, onions, and a semi-functional cerebral cortex, so I made a hash.

I based it on a corned beef hash – i.e., leftover steak, leftover potatoes (mashed, in my case). Also added onions, garlic for aromatics to bring it all together. Moderated the liquid content with some beef stock.

And scallions. Forgot those.

This may have been my wife’s favorite meal post-partum.

T-Bones, grilled quickly

New batch of fam, new batch of meals. We did a steak for my folks when they came to visit. T-bones.

Same deal as above. Bring to room temp, salt liberally, wait a half an hour or so, and slap them onto a grill like the surface of the sun.

I feel bad posting more steak photos. Wanna just scroll up and look at my ribeyes again? No? Okay, then.

Pretty.

Maillard-y.

I Suck

…because I can’t remember what this is.

Pot roast, for sure. Chuck, I believe. But I do not for the life of me remember which cut this is. (Readers?)

But I do recall that I seared it and braised it in beef stock with garlic, shallots, carrots, and probably something else.

I also sauteed some red cabbage in bacon fat and served that as well.

Sorry, people. Wasn’t sleeping much.

It's a mystery.

Everybody get braisey.

Plated.

Steak Salad

Sick of seeing steak yet? I’ll do something more interesting soon, I promise.

This was a crazy fast weekday meal some day that I had a meal on a weekday. I did a very quick grill on a NY Strip, sliced it thin, and served it over screamingly fresh farmer’s market romaine with red onions, Parmesan, and a crazy fast vinaigrette I whipped up.

This one is almost too simple to post about, but I’m not documenting almost an entire cow.

Besides, it was deceptively tasty. Which is a plus for a four-ingredient salad whipped up in about twenty minutes.

Mmm... Salad.

Dug the hell outta this.

And now you’re up to speed.

The Wife Says: Hungry. Cook more.

The Sheep Says: Baaaah.

The Zombie Says: Braaaaains.

Wait, what? Where was I?

Back soon.

Up Next: Jerky, baby.

Rib – Crossrib Steak – I wing it.

I love Sundays.

Sunday afternoon is the denouement of my weekend. It’s where the entire thing resolves, we get our happy ending, and we move on to the next thing.

This is the first non-scheduled, stress-free Sunday I’ve had in quite a while, so I’m going to make the most of it. So mid-afternoony, I hop on my (dusty, cobweb covered) bike and head out to the market.

My bike is actually the fastest way for me to shop. I roll right up to the front and lock in front of the door (rockstar parking!), get what I need, and zip home. My ride is an Xtracycle longtail cargobike, so I can carry pretty much anything I could take in a car. No exaggeration. I’ve carried three cases of soda, flowers, and six full bags of groceries on the badboy. Occasionally I return shopping carts I find in the neighborhood. Now that I have two functioning shoulders again, I plan on using a lot more than I have been.

To the store. I buy some stuff. Among the stuff… ice cream. Buying ice cream when you’re on a bike can be a pretty ballsy move. You’re writing a check you hope your legs can cash. Today, I’m feeling it.

Home again. I unload the goods and the ice cream is hard as a rock. Rawr.

Time to cook. What do we have? I have several appropriately-sized packages for the meal I hope to make for my wife and son. I settle on a crossrib steak. What’s that? It’s a steak. Cut across the rib. I suppose. I don’t feel like looking it up right now. (Answers at the end.*) It’s about the right size, so that’s what I’m making.

A note: I also don’t feel like cracking a cookbook. I’m in a zone. I’m just gonna wing it.

Now. What do I do with the thing? Looking it over, it looks like it has a fair bit of connective tissue. So I’m gonna try a braise. Also, upon thawing, I notice there are two steaks in the pack. I’ll save the second for later and try something different later this week.

Did I expect two steaks? I did not.

Right. Braising. In what? I have beef stock, so I’ll go with that. I don’t really feel comfortable braising in wine, because (drum roll) my wife is pregnant! We’re expecting our second child, a daughter, in September.

So no braising in wine. Also, no rare steaks for a while. Back to the show.

Beef stock. I got it, it’s delicous, done. I chop up a quick mirepoix, add in some mushrooms, shallots and garlic, and I’m ready to rock.

Mise:

Since I’m braising, I salt and pepper fairly heavily and dredge the meat in flour.

Off to the Dutch for a quicky sear.

I know the meat’s seared when it has a hard, golden brown crust and the fire alarm goes off. I set it aside to cool its jets.

A little more olive oil, and in with the vegetation. Meat on top like it’s a little beefy hovercraft riding on a cushion of plants instead of air. On with the liquid. Bada bing.

Elapsed time, like, all of ten minutes. And the steak will braise until… it’s done? A while. I’m winging it.

Out to mow the lawn.

Lawn tamed, house smells great. Time for a treat.

...with artsy dutch angle.

Yes, I bought a Clamato beer, specifically for an after-mowing treat. I’ve never had one before. It’s beer, tomato juice, clam juice and lime. My beer has a warning on the can that it contains shellfish. This is a food item that simply should not be.

It’s so wrong. It’s so right.

I’m gonna grill some potatoes for a side, so I prep them for the party. Have I mentioned it’s a beautiful day? It is.

Stash the spuds in foil.

It’s been about an hour and a half. Steak’s like buttah. Stash it in foil, too. Note to self: I need to get more foil.

Sauce. Remove lid. Boil. You know, this clam/tomato/beer thing isn’t half bad.

Strain sauce. Plate and serve.

Verdict: Okay, yes. This is great. The steak is falling apart tender and this is easily the best sauce I’ve ever made to accompany a meat dish. I let it reduce further than I thought I should, as my sauces have wound up a little loose in the past. This is perfect. This coats the back of a spoon, and tastes like a hug wrapped in a backrub stuffed inside endorphins and dipped in chocolate. This one worked.

The steak is tender and luscious. The beef flavor is pronounced and vibrant, with a soft shallot note that I really dig. I used a lot of shallots.

Freshly cut lawn. Weird clam/tomato beer. Quality steak with a sauce I consider a personal best. Happy family. I can get down.

The Wife Says: Why don’t we do this more often?

It was also the perfect portion size for two adults and a kiddo. My two year old chowed down on this one. That’s saying something.

I love Sundays.

–

*Crossrib steak comes from the Chuck. It’s taken from above the rib, like a ribeye. This cut is just further forward on the beast than the ribeye. Of variable tenderness, so most books suggest marinating or braising. It’s primarily composed of a single muscle, and is frequently compared to a ribeye in terms of taste, but at a fraction of the price. There ya go. Now you know.

Next up: There were two in the package. Let’s see what we can do with the other one.

Flank – Matambre

What a weekend.

First, the blog. I’m writing this post as I cook, rather than revisiting it afterward and retelling events. Hopefully this’ll cut down on the amount of time it actually takes to write the posts. Verite, baby! Also, I’m nuts.

This weekend was nothing if not productive. Yesterday, we zipped downtown to Ross Cutlery – quite possibly the greatest cutlery shop in the history of sharp, pointy things. I left my chef’s knife for them to reinvigorate, and we wandered around downtown. Angels Flight, all the old movie houses. Grand Central Market. It’s a helluva way to spend a morning.

Also, a helluva way to do lunch. We swung by the fabled Clifton’s Cafeteria for our noontime repast. In a word – wow.

Clifton’s is the kind of place that if it didn’t exist, we’d have to invent. It’s a cafeteria, and it makes no bones about it. But everything there is made from scratch, and the decor is simply beyond belief. Go look at their site. I’ll wait.

Clifton’s sprang up in the thirties and it fed people straight through the Depression, regardless of their ability to pay. The original owner, Clifford Clinton, wanted to change the world – literally. He made a earnest,  bonafide effort to end hunger by founding a nonprofit called Meals for Millions, distributing Multi-Purpose Food (a concept he invented and researched at Cal-Tech) to the impoverished and malnourished worldwide.

He also grew up near redwood groves in central California, which is why the two of the three stories (three stories!) of his cafeteria are done up as redwood grove meets Splash Mountain meets Coen Brothers. And the food is solid, well-made fare.

Here’s the pitch: Clifton’s bought their building in Downtown LA is 2006, at the height of the real estate boom. People don’t really do cafeterias anymore, so they’re running in the red and trying to sell the building. Their hope is that the next owners will let them continue to operate, but nothing is certain. So their days may be numbered.

Clifton’s is oldschool. Kitschy and earnest. Last of a dying breed. They’ve been in business for a hundred and thirteen years, through five generations. LA landmark. So go to Cliftons! You aren’t even sacrificing anything. The place is solid, and solidly trippy. Read more here.

Also, I took D to the zoo this morning, because my wife wasn’t feeling well. Go do that, too, but only if you’ve already gone to Clifton’s. I’ll tell.

In other news:

I replaced my camera lens!

Hopefully it won’t look like I snapped everything with a pinhole camera anymore. Another couple of weeks of this and I was just gonna build a Camera Obscura and invite everybody over.

Wait, aren’t I supposed to be cooking something? Right.

This is what you get when I sit down to write while my flank steak is marinating.

And marinating it is. I’m making matambre – a rolled and stuffed flank steak, similar to a roulade. The word is a combination of the words “mata” and “hambre”. In English, it translates to “hunger killer.” I can get down.

Bittman has a recipe. First, there’s a fair amount of prep work. I hard boil some eggs, chop some watercress, onion, garlic, carrots. Chop the eggs. Set aside some cilantro and parsley. Good.

Mise:

Alright, I pull the steak from the bath. I made this one up. A marinade is an acidic, salty bath for meat. Soy (for salt), a little vinegar (for acid), a little honey (hydroscopic, to keep it from overcuring, not that it’s really an issue. It also tastes nice…), salt, pepper, and garlic. It’s been going an hour.

Basil approves.

I need to butterfly the flank. Which basically means halve it’s thickness, but don’t cut all the way through. Bingo.

Except that I butterflied it the wrong way. I’m something of an idiot.

My flank was vaguely triangular shaped. Narrow end, to a much wider end.

I misunderstood the instructions, though I now get it, in retrospect.

I butterflied it toward the narrow end. Result: a butterfly-shaped piece of meat. Wide on the left and right, narrow in the center.

Optimally, I would have rotated the piece ninety degrees, and butterflied left to right. Resulting in a more square-shaped piece of meat.

In other words, if you’re trying this at home, make sure the grain is pointing at your own belly when you butterfly it. Then slice from left to right (or vice versa). The grain should be running toward and away from you.

I roll, tie, and heat some oil.

The end result should not look like a cracked-out spring roll.

After I brown it in a Dutch oven, into a 375 degree oven, and I have an hour and a quarter or so to kill and write in my blog.

Time to make some Chimmichurri.

Bittman has a recipe for that, too. It’s essentially parsley, garlic, and red pepper pureed in an olive oil emulsion. I likey the salsa, so I wind up adding more red pepper and more garlic. I whip that up while I’m waiting for my flank to cook. Tick tock.

My wife’s playing piano. How nice.

Why’s my fire alarm going off? Stupid fire alarm.

Wait. Grassfed beef frequently cooks faster than grain fed, remember? I check.

Bittman says cook “1 1/4 hours, until tender to the touch.” What the hell does that mean? It’s flank steak wrapping veggies. It’s already tender to the touch.

I check it, and I think I have a little more time. Back in.

I wait a few… a couple minutes, no more. I’m a little obsessive-compulsive, though. What’s my oven thermometer say?

It says five hundred degrees.

Huh?

I check the dial. It’s set to broil.

I must have brushed it on my way past a few minutes ago. I hate my oven.

I pull the roast. Lid off, let it cool. Hope I didn’t wreck it.

Pace, swear, pace, sigh, pace.

A half-hour flies by. Rest is done, let’s eat.

It’s late now, and my wife’s already had something. This will just be a little nosh. But it’s frequently served as an appetizer in Argentina, so I’ll call that even.

Slice. It still looks like a Vietnamese crab imperial roll gone off the reservation.

Umami?

But it makes a remarkably attractive slice.

Plate, chimmichurri, and serve.

First, I nibble off an unsauced portion.

Okay. Snap. This is some herbaceous steak. It’s floral and fragrant and the marinade plus the herbs I wrapped in it have done some exceptional things to this cut.

It’s a little more done than I would have preferred… More medium well than medium rare. But no more than that. Not a deal-killer.

Sauce next. That seals it. The chimmichurri is crazy good.

It’s essentially flank wrapping veggies, infused with herbs, and accompanied by a pungent, earthy, spicy sauce. Cold beer, and we’re in good shape.

I'll take it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did not wreck it.

Verdict: Despite some temp-related scares, this turned out well. Sincerely enjoyed, plus matambre is supposed to be as good or better the next day, sliced thin at room temp. I’m game. Looking forward to lunch tomorrow.

The Wife Says: 8.5 out of 10. The chimmichurri really sold it for her. She didn’t really notice/mind my butterfly fiasco. She would have been less forgiving of dry or tough meat, so make sure you don’t overcook, and be sure to slice across the grain. That makes all the difference. Also,  I think the chimmichurri forgves a lot of sins.

She gave bonus points for “out of the ordinary” and “unexpected”. She didn’t see this one coming.

Up next: beats me. Any requests?

Short Loin – Garlic-Herb T-bones in a Bourbon Pan Sauce

Forgive me, dear readers, for taking so long to post. Time has been at a premium of late, and I’ve had some difficulty finding time to eat, let alone write about it.

This weekend, however, I made up for all that.

Saturday, I took to the great blue Pacific with my friends Chris and Ben the Baconchef. We spent the better part of the day riding Poseidon’s peristalsis as the ocean eats the land over a span of eons.

In other words, we went surfing.

I love surfing. It’s one of those activities you can really enjoy, even if you’re absolutely horrible at it. Like golf. Or cosmetic surgery.

As the day wore on, the sets came in bigger and bigger. Toward the end of the day, we wound up facing five and six foot waves.

Which means that toward the end of the day, I got my ass kicked by five and six foot waves.

Which means that Sunday, I am a broken man. I’ve been through Neptune’s spin cycle, and now I am hung out to dry. (Wait, Jared… didn’t you call it ‘Poseidon’s peristalsis’ before? Aren’t you mixing metaphors? Shut up.)

I had planned to make a classic French dish this weekend, but after shambling painfully around town on my Sunday errands, I don’t have enough time. Also, it’s hot. And that particular dish isn’t especially suited to SoCal summer heat.

Switch gears. What haven’t I done?

There’s a gem of a recipe in the Grassfed Gourmet cookbook that Chris gave me when I picked up my beef. I’ve been waiting to try it with a T-bone.

I like steak. I like bourbon. Giddyup.

The T-bone is a cut from the loin of the steer. At the center of the cut is a T-shaped bone, hence the name. On one side of this bone is a large, oval-rectangular muscle. This is the strip loin… cut differently, it’d be a Kansas City or New York strip.

The other side of the bone has some portion of a smaller, rounder muscle, the much-adored tenderloin. Cut differently, this would be a filet mignon.

The T-bone is very similar to the porterhouse steak. Both of the aforementioned muscles are located on the steer’s back, running parallel to the spine. The tenderloin, however, is gently conical, like a baseball bat. That is, the diameter of a tenderloin from the front of the animal is smaller than a tenderloin taken from near the back. If you take a T-bone from closer to the front of the animal, the tenderloin is smaller, and the cut is called a T-bone. If you take the same cut from near the back of the animal, the tenderloin is larger, and the cut is called a porterhouse. (The strip half has the same general size difference – bigger when taken from the back than the front. But the tenderloin size difference is probably more noticiable.)

My T-bones were probably taken from near the very front of the animal, as the tenderloin is very small.

The mise:

Dream on.

I put the steaks in the (turned off, yet dog-resistant) microwave to come to room temp. It’s important on thicker cuts to bring them to room temp so they cook evenly.

While they’re warming, I knock together a batch of the book’s Garlic Herb Rub (thyme, rosemary, oregano, fennel, garlic powder, salt, and pepper). I’ve done both strip and tenderloin with minimal seasoning, so the rub will be an interesting variation.

Meanwhile, sides. Our organic veggie delivery service hooked us up with some nice button mushrooms. A quick perusal of Bittman’s index nets me some Mushroom-Bacon skewers. (Who doesn’t like bacon?)

Our veggiefolk also dropped of a beautiful head of Romaine lettuce. Ladies and gentlemen, there will be salad. I knock together a quick honey mustard vinaigrette for use with the greens.

Quick question though: Why the hell is Ferran Adria on my Olive oil?

Is there some molecular gastronomy at work here? Is there a foam involved? Is this label actually edible nori? Is my olive oil actually some amalgum of liquid nitrogen, corn husks, and dimethyl sulfoxide? What’s the deal, Adria? Why are you getting all Rachel Ray on me?

Whatever. Everybody needs a paycheck.

T-bones are close enough for jazz. Let’s dance.

Olive oil and butter in the front pan. Just olive oil in the back. Count to an arbitrarily large number.

Oil’s hot. Bacon and mushroom in back. Steaks in front. I have about ten minutes on each, so I start humming Stairway to Heaven.

By the time there’s a bustle in my hedgerow, the steaks are asking for a flip. I oblige, and stir the shrooms.

“And it makes me wonder…”

Steaks are done. Temp check confirms it, so I tent them with foil and let them rest. Deglaze with bourbon and simmer.

“And she’s buying… a stairway… to…” something or other. Shrooms are done.

Plate.

Verdict: Lovely, as you’d expect. There wasn’t much of a tenderloin to speak of in this cut, but the strip was excellent.

The rub was a bit overpowering. One thing I’m noticing about the steaks on this steer is that they don’t need much. Salt, pepper, good oil – and they shine. Big fancy rub, and I tend to regret it. (I’m talking about steaks here. Those ribs were lovely, for example. Barbecue is a different beast.) The bourbon pan sauce was inspired, however. I’m adding that to my bag of tricks.

The wife says: 8.5 out of ten. The steak was excellent. The rub wasn’t really necessary. The beef is very lush and flavorful all by itself.

I really enjoyed it. I can’t wait until I work my way back toward the porterhouse.

What else can I deglaze with bourbon?

At the Mountains of Madness

Here be monsters.

Today is why God made Saturdays and Brahma made Los Angeles. Seventy degrees and sunny, with a hundred percent chance of paradise.

Today is a day when all sane people go to the beach.

In our case, Leo Carillo. Dog-friendly, toddler-welcoming, and blissfully uncrowded.

We start getting ready at 9, leave at 11, and arrive at just after noon. The toddler swims, the dog runs, the mom chills, and the dad frolics with all of the preceding.

Alright.

We discuss stopping at Malibu Seafood on the way home. It’s a favorite haunt. But we have Miss Basil with us, and they frown on pets, so we decide against it.

But wait! This whole Year of the Cow action has taught me a thing or two. One of which is that a person can frequently do restaurant-y food at home with good results.

I’m coming home from the beach, but I don’t want to leave.

My wife wants a steak, I want some seafood. I have a cow in the freezer, a chip on my shoulder, and nothing at all to lose.

“Hey, honey.  How about some Surf and Turf?”

Let’s swing for the fences. Let’s shoot for the moon. Let’s take advantage of the fact that I have a quarter ton of beef in my backyard.

She’s game. I wheel toward the grocery store.

Lobster and filet mignon. Okay, I realize this meal borders on stunt food. It’s basically the two most expensive items on the menu, paired together. It’s ostentatious. It’s self-conscious. Maybe even a little cliche.

But it also sounds good.

If there’s a silver lining to the very dark cloud of our current international recession, it’s that lobster prices have fallen through the floor. What used to be sixteen bucks a pound is now in the neighborhood of nine. Bad for Maine, good for diners.

My local food-and-sundries vendor has a live tank. I’m looking for something in the pound and a half range, and they can oblige.

However, I read cookbooks for fun. And one thing I’ve learned is that just because a lobster is alive doesn’t mean that he’s fresh. I ask to examine my crustacean dinner guest.

The fish guy, Clive,  lifts him up, and he pitches a fit. That’s good. Tired lobsters are not fresh lobsters. Claws and legs akimbo, he really wants to take a bite out of Clive. His midsection is firm (the lobster, not Clive). He weighs 1.38 pounds. A good fit for us. I’ll take him.

Evidentally this is Clive’s first rodeo, because he has to ask his manager how to pack up the lobster. His manager shoves a cardboard box in his direction. I’ve never bought a live lobster before. I envisioned my taking him home in an oversized goldfish baggie. Not so much I guess.

I load up my box o’ lobster like a pie in a diner and head for the exit, stopping only for butter and a brewsky to pair it with.

As I leave, I can hear the lobster scratching at the box lid. That’s creepy.

Once home, I open the box, frighten the wife, freak out the dog, and re-examine the crustacean. He really is fascinating to behold.

Here’s the thing about lobsters… They’re referred to colloquially as “bugs,” but that’s actually pretty accurate. One of their closest relatives is the cockroach. The closest analogy to their brain structure is that of a grasshopper…. and the word “brain” is used pretty loosely here. It’s more like a collection of ganglia. They’re cool-looking, but their nervous system is rudimentary at best.

What a punum.

They used to be thick as thieves in the North Atlantic.  They’re heavily fished now, but once upon a time, they were considered Sea Vermin. In fact, in the 1800s, so many washed ashore after storms in New England that they were forced on indigent widows, orphans, and prisoners. Massachusetts had to pass a law that convicts in the state penal system couldn’t be fed lobster more than twice a week. Poor bastards.

Still, I’m gonna be killing this thing, and I’d like it to be as painless and humane as possible.

Suggestions vary. The Larousse says that two hours in a freezer will cause a lobster to go to sleep and then painlessly die. At which point, a cook can proceed with whatever cooking process they like (steaming, in my case) with absolute certainty that said crustacean is deceased.

Alton Brown says twenty minutes is enough to render said invertebrate insensate. In other words, close enough that it makes no difference.

Bittman says I’m a pansy, and should just drop ‘em in hot water.

I vote for certainty with the Larousse. Two hours it is. I take a moment, because I don’t do this lightly. Then, into the freezer.

Meanwhile, I clarify some butter, and bring a filet mignon to room temp.

Two hours later, my bug is dead, dead, dead. I pull him out. Basil still doesn’t trust him.

The mise:

Simple, eh?

Four legs good, six legs freaky.

I put an inch of water in a large pot to boil. This is gonna be good.

My lobster twitches. This is a little creepy, but I’m ready for it. I’ve read that they do this sometimes after they die. Something about post-mortem nerve reflexes. I reflect again, but this is a glorified sea cockroach. Everything’s good.

I throw some oiled-and-salted potatoes into the preheated oven to bake.

Lobster twitches again. I could never make frog legs. This is unnerving.

Was that leg in that position a minute ago?

Must have been.

Or was it?

That is post-mortem twitching right?

I tap the shell.

The lobster stands up.

I jump about fifteen feet in the air. Omigodomigodomigod.

That is not post mortem twitching!

I know what you’re thinking. Undead zombie lobster hell-bent on seeking their revenge on the living.

Yep. Pretty much.

What the hell?

I pick up the board, and pop the whole thing back in the freezer.

I sit quietly for a while, and put myself in a good place, psychologically. My wife and kid don’t need to know about this. This is what nightmares are made of.

Look at them. Frolicking outside. So innocent. So unknowing.

Is that something scraping at the door of my freezer?

No. It can’t be. Ignore it.

Twenty minutes more. Nothing lives through that. Especially nothing without a circulatory system.

Wife and child seem happy. Dog is quiet. Water is boiling. Time to cook.

I crack open the freezer door. Lobster corpse.

Out we come. Everything’s good.

Bittman says to rinse briefly. No problem. Under the faucet for a couple of seconds…

…AND THE LEFT CLAW FLIES OFF. It falls clattering into the sink.

What the…!

I drop the lobster.

This is not right. Did I get a defective bug?

Google.

“Lobsters sometimes jettison or throw their claws as a defensive mechanism.“

WHAT THE GREAT GALLOPING HELL?

After all this bug has been through, IT IS STILL ALIVE.

…and it’s taking all this personally. It chucked its claw to freak me out.

It succeeded.

Okay, fine. I was trying to be humane. I wanted this to be painless. But you’re flinging dismembered limbs at me when you’re supposed to be asleep and docile and silent. I did everything I could to end your life painlessly. And now I just don’t want you to crawl across the floor and strangle me in my sleep, you undead zombie vampire crustacean bastard, you.

Water’s boiling. Headfirst, throwing the claw in after. Ten-count, then I hop around in the living room going ew, ew, ew, ew, who throws limbs at people? I am freaked right out.

Just die already.

How’s my son? Wife? Dog? Good? Okay.

Ten seconds later, lobster is dead. Supposedly.

Didn’t I have some clarified butter around here? I thought so. Salt and pepper, high heat, steak into a skillet. I’m sauteeing it in clarified butter, as per a suggestion in the Larousse. I hope this advice is more accurate than their instructions on how to dispatch a lobster.

A few minutes later… flip. Steak looks fantastic.

Eight minutes a pound on my zombie lobster. Ten minutes later, a probe in his tail registers a temperature of 150. Good to go.

My wife sees I’m pale as a ghost. “You alright, babe?” Yeah, sweetie, I’m fine. The undead walk among us, they lack vertebrae, they resent our very existence, and hate us enough to fling their own limbs at us. I’ll never sleep soundly again. But other than that, I’m peachy keen.

Steak is medium rare. Lobster is ready. Potatoes are done.

Let’s go outside.

Lobster. Filet Mignon. Baked potatoes. Icy cold beer.

I sit down to dinner.

While making this meal was something out of an H.P. Lovecraft tale, the end result is pretty lovely.

Verdict? About what you’d expect. Heartbreakingly delicious. The lobster is moist and sweet. The tenderloin is like butter… lush and juicy and mild. A dead simple meal to make, and one that yields spectacular results. What a great end to a Saturday. I could get used to this.

The Wife Says: 9.5 out of 10. Super tasty, tender, succulent and delicious.

After dinner, we clean up. I put all the lobster detritus in the trash can in our alley.

Then I put a brick on the lid.

And I go inside, and lock the door.