How Not to Write A New Blog Post

First, get the hell out.

Like, leave the country. Go away as many time zones as you can. Europe from the West Coast of the US? Good.

Eastern Europe? Better.

Anything recently Soviet? Perfect.

Then come back.

Next, give yourself as little time as possible to adjust.

(Pansy. Suck it up.)

Third. Walk a lot. Then bike a lot. Be physically exhausted.

Then work forty hours, sleep half a day, then get up early to go surfing with friends.

Also, neglect sunscreen. You’re made of wood.

Then take your two-year-old grocery shopping. When he begins to projectile vomit (for some reason), snatch him up in your left hand, catch the chunks with your right, and dash from the store fast enough for your fellow shoppers to notice a Doppler Effect.

Wash him. Wash you. Wash the floor. Wash the wife. Wash the floor again. Wash the dog. Note that your skin burns.

Argue with your wife about the optimal receptical-shape to catch toddler-vomit.

Note that you just came back from Germany, and they probably have a single word for “optimally-shaped-toddler-vomit-catcher.”

Note that you and your wife were both wrong.

Put toddler to bed.

Pet his head until he sleeps.

Die.

Write blog post.

Die again.

Deep breath.

Today, you cooked nothing.

Try again very soon.

Thank readers for their patience.

-j